Only For A Split Second
by pretty parachute
Summary: Gravity is a force to be reckoned with in my life. All that goes up must come down, they say, and it certainly applies to my life. And then I jump. I close my mind from the disturbance of my thoughts, and I just do it. Like that. The first chapter is pretty angsty. Suicidal themes. Can be viewed as a oneshot. A HPDM in the making.


I walked among the shadows today. My feet felt heavy all day. My breath felt shallow. Everywhere I looked, loneliness stared back. Even as I heard your voices talking to me, they felt distant. I answered the best I could. The best I can is obviously quite good, because none of you saw me. Saw that I was walking towards the edge.

"I'm fine," I said patiently, with a small smile curving my lips. Satisfied with your answer, you looked away and occupied your thoughts in other places. Which is perfectly understandable. The world doesn't evolve around me anymore. It's somewhat nice. I have done my duty. I've ridden your evil.

Still, I'm not done with it. I still wake up believing it is all real again. In my dreams I see dead faces before my eyes. They look at me accusingly. They never close their eyes. And I try not to, either.

I walked to the edge of the Astronomy Tower. The black depths made me swallow unwillingly and my head felt dizzy. It is weird how your body struggles with every fibre of its physical being, although you know for certain what you want. It's like it's got a will of its own suddenly. My heartbeat is razing, my breath comes in quick shallow gasps, my body trembles uncontrollably. I balanced on the edge, feeling the wind on my face, in my hair, searing through my clothes, caressing the body I so want to let go of.

Just one step.

As I am about to let go, you stop me. Even without being here. I know you won't understand. I know you will mourn and rage. I know I will hurt you. You gave me everything. You stood by me through thick and thin. You sacrificed your lives; your hopes and dreams for the future, and I didn't stop you. I never asked you to do anything, but you still did it. For me.

You have started your lives now. No surprize, you have chosen to live them together, and you are truly magnificent as a couple. There is a mutual understanding between you, a deep thoughtfulness and consideration that can only be achieved when you know somebody inside out and accept them completely. You touch each other tenderly, pouring love into every single touch. Your eyes are magnetically drawn to each other whenever you are in the same room, like the world seizes to exist. I seize to exist a little too.

When realisation hit me that dreadful night and I took my first steps into the forest, I shattered all my hopes and dreams. I buried them as deep as I could. It was the only way I could go on, the only way to keep walking towards my indisputable death. All my hopes, my dreams for the future, all the wonderful people I loved dearly, all the happy moments I had yet to experience. For every step I took, I brushed the living off of me. I pushed them away. It was physically painful. I buried it all somewhere in the depths of the Forbidden Forest. It's like I walked through a veil that night, and still, after months, I can't find my way back. Or like I am living in two worlds at the same time, but I cannot participate fully in either of them. I have one foot with the living and one foot with the dead.

I sob loudly. There are no tears on my cheeks. They have all dried. I cried them all in lonely nights, when the distress got to me and the hopelessness overwhelmed me. I cried them for everybody that lost someone; a friend, a lover, a parent, a sister, a brother, a child. But never for myself.

"Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love."

Just one step.

Every time I try to take the final step, my body goes rigid. It's like an invisible barrier stops me, but I know the barrier exists solely in my mind. I dry sob again. I'm growing desperate. My throat is making the wildest sounds. If I don't do this now, I might never do it. What happened to my famous Gryffindor courage?

I have chosen the Astronomy Tower symbolically. Gravity is a force to be reckoned with in my life. All that goes up must come down, they say, and it certainly applies to my life. Gravity is a force working from the shadows, and it is barely noticeable if you don't know what to look for. But I walk the shadows now, and I see clearly. Gravity, which has tried to keep me down in the deep, where I belong, all my life, will in the end put me out of my misery. Isn't that a sweet and sardonic thought? It thought it was invincible, it thought it could make my life a long, sweet misery, but I have lured it in its own game. Gravity will release me from the clutches of life, and I will soar again. I will conquer gravity.

And then I jump. I close my mind from the disturbance of my thoughts, and I just do it. Like that. The one little step that was so hard to take just a few moments ago, is suddenly effortless. The wind is roaring in my ears. A fearful joy bubbles in my stomach. It feels a bit like flying, except for the fact that this is absolutely uncontrollable. I twist and turn in the air, coil and spiral, swirl and spin. I fall faster and faster. The air is practically like thunder in my ears now.

I have been thinking about this moment, wondering what thoughts would come to my mind. No thoughts forces their way through, though. I feel a little disappointed at this. I hoped it would be something major, something that would make me understand why things came to this. Here. Now. But it is not even life flashing before my eyes. I do not have time to reflect for long either, because the Hogwarts grounds are quickly racing towards me, green and cold and hard.

Anguish grips me. I think I may be screaming, but I cannot hear through the thunder in my ears. I knew it would come eventually. I force my eyes open and try to savour the moment; the blackness of the night, the white silver glow of the stars that twinkle merrily, the grey patches of snow that lies scattered across the grounds, the warm lights from Hogwarts; until all the colours blend together and my eyes sting painfully. I close them hard, preparing for the inevitable pain that is rushing towards me. Suddenly it feels like gravity releases me. I'm floating in a timeless condition, and I can't distinguish up from down anymore.

Then there is a loud _thump_. There is pain. There is cold. And there is blackness.

But only for a split second.


End file.
